Post Four: If only I was a celebrity...

My thoughts for today...

Wouldn't it be nice, if I were a celebrity, and had my own chef, and my own personal trainer, and a weight loss program willing to pay me - not that I'd need it, because I'd already be independently wealthy?


Wouldn't it be great, if I could take off the next three months, and hide away at a "spa," and emerge a new, thin, fit person, who only eats tofu and fruit, and drinks organic juice?


Wouldn't it be awesome, if I were one of those granola girls, who lived for yoga, and ran 3 miles every day, and wore only organic cotton tank tops, and volunteered for Habitat for Humanity, and baked chocolate chip cookies (but didn't eat any, ever)?


And then I realize...no, that wouldn't be great.  I'd hate being a celebrity, with a camera trained on me 24/7, always worrying about what the world thinks.  It would be awful to hide away at a spa, or anywhere, without my family.  And, most of all, I really like chocolate chip cookies.

This journey isn't about becoming some over-idealized version of myself, nor does it do me any good to sit and fret over what I don't have in my life.  Life is work - whether you're a celebrity or not.  And I like making my own meals.  I'm pretty sure I won't become one of those people who never eats anything unhealthy ever, ever, ever.  I don't think I'd like myself if I did.  What I want, what I hope to accomplish through this path, is to get control over my eating habits - to get my portions back to normal, to cut out the mindless or emotional eating, to reduce my fat-sugar-carb intake, and to get to a place where I can enjoy eating, knowing that 90% of the time I eat super healthy.  I want to get back into exercising everyday, not because I have to, but because I want to, because I really enjoy the feeling of lightness and strength that daily workouts bring.  


My goals for today are simple:  To eat clean from 2-3pm (so with yesterday's goal that equals from 2-4pm) and to go for a walk.


This journey is about becoming the person I want to be, the person I've always dreamed of being - not a celebrity or super-fit mega-star - but just me.  The very best possible version of me I can be.  So I guess the lesson for today is...

Post 3: Does it Count if you Forget it's a Problem?

Today's time frame was 3-4 pm.  I remembered at 4:20.  I succeeded, but only by default.  Is that the story of my life?

What is success, really?

If it is the accomplishment of a goal, does it matter if that achievement was accidental?  If  you set ridiculously low goals for yourself, is it still a success if you achieve them?

In my life, there are remarkably few things I have worked very hard for and achieved.  1) Going back to and graduating from college.  2) Quitting smoking.   3)  Making all payments for my last vehicle on time and paying it off early.  4)  The super healthy pregnancy of my son.  5)  My marriage - constant work, but worth it.

That's it.  35 years old and that's it.  It seems like a very sad little list, no?

Everything else, all my other wishes, goals and dreams remain in a little box marked unfulfilled.  These are things as simple as "Devise a daily yoga practice," to "Finish novel."  These two, and all the others in between never seem to get completed because there is always something, or someone, else to attend to.  Life has a crazy way of sneaking up and taking over, you know?

The only way I know to achieve something is to make it a total and complete priority, and not allow for any excuses or diversions.  And it is very hard to accomplish more than one major goal at a time, which just flat out bites, as there are always a hundred different things I want to accomplish - and all of them seem valid.  But to make this thing happen - to lose 100 pounds (yes, I said 100) - will take total dedication and commitment, and I really don't know if I'm there.  The negative voices are rallying and it's only the first day.

So I have to remind myself:

Post 2: As I Begin

As I begin on this journey, there are a million thoughts running through my head.

What if I can't do it?


I'm so excited to be free of my cravings... (as I drink a soda)

How many times have I tried this before?  And failed.


Maybe I should just accept the fact that I will always be heavy...


Really.  Why am I doing this again?


I want this so much, but I just don't know if it's possible.  Is it possible for me?

Most of my thoughts on the matter are negative.  It's in these moments I try very very hard to yell at those thoughts:


SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!