One of the hardest moments in any overweight person's life is the reality check. It's that dreaded moment – you know the one – when all of your defenses come crashing down and you get an unedited glimpse of yourself. It's that unexpected reflection, or first attempt at exercise, or shopping with skinny girlfriends for a swimming suit. In a split second, you see yourself for who you really are, not the you clouded by your imaginary impressions. In that reality check moment, you see the you the rest of the world sees everyday.
In my case, I was sitting on a small footstool I use as a perch while my toddler takes his nightly bath. My husband had temporarily leaned a full length mirror against the bathroom wall, and I caught a glimpse of my reflection. That vision – me sitting on the stool, slouching, stomach scrunched down, bulbous fat rolls hanging out – took a minute to sink in. I couldn't stop looking at the image in the mirror. This was me – my body, my stomach. I was so used seeing myself with the little tricks I'd learned over the years (stand up straight, turn your body on an angle, suck in the stomach), that I was completely caught off guard.
That can't be right, I thought. But it was. This was an every day, plain Jane, full length mirror – no tricks of reflection or light to blame. Nothing to blame, really, but myself.
The biggest danger in these reality check moments, is they may so terrify us that we become paralyzed. It's certainly happened to me in the past. We do nothing but slip deeper into the comfort zone of our imagination, and in many cases, just keep on getting bigger and bigger. What is the comfort zone? It's the place you go to in your mind to feel better whenever your vision of life is threatened. Your comfort zone could include tricks like mine – how to sit, how to stand, how to dress to present a slimmer looking you. It will certainly include things you tell yourself everyday – "Sizes are getting smaller, I'm not getting bigger," or "No one likes the way they look in a swimming suit." The comfort zone becomes a way to feel okay as our pants size goes up. It makes it everything better (usually with chocolate) when we feel down or depressed about our size. The comfort zone voice is the one that tells us to go back to our old habits when we've had a bad day, or a binge, or are just plain crabby. It tells us we are exactly who we want to be; it tells us we are happy. The reality is, though, it's all a big fat lie.
A few years back there was a movement for the overweight person to "embrace your size" which fueled what became known as "fat pride" and the anti-thin movement. There were a number of benefits to this movement, particularly in the advertising world, and one result is we see more diverse body shapes in magazines, movies, and on television. But there were also negatives, the biggest being an attitude that one can be extremely obese and also be healthy. Now, I am a testament to the fact that you can be overweight and still relatively in shape. My numbers are good: cholesterol (156), blood pressure (116/ 80), miles run without stopping (almost 3). Those numbers were the "proof" I used to convince myself I was healthy.
What the full-length reality check helped me to see was just how much I was hiding behind those numbers, and just how unhealthy I am.
(PSSST! This woman is a plus size model).
No matter how you spin it, excess fat is not healthy. Of course, neither is hating yourself for not being a size zero, or refusing to enjoy life because you think you're too big. These polar opposite beliefs – you should be a size zero and you should embrace yourself for who you are – lead us down a roller coaster path toward self-loathing and dangerous habits, and that's not good health either.
Here's a reality check of a different kind: A woman can be a size six and be classified as a plus-sized model. So, many of the women we see in plus sized advertisements are actually thinner than we are led to believe, and as a result we perceive ourselves as thinner than we actually are. What's the danger in that?
The danger is in letting your mind trick you into thinking you are slimmer (or heavier) than you actually are. It exposes you to an endless game of cat and mouse, and guess what? You're the mouse. The cats are those companies coming after your money by challenging your vision of yourself. You become bombarded with reality checks that interrupt how you see yourself – a glimpse in a window here, a tight-fitting seat in a restaurant there – reality checks that when combined with ads depicting the "perfect" body can lead you on a desperate search for self-satisfaction. The reality is plus size women generally do not carry much (if any) excess body fat. They are in remarkably good shape, often in better shape than their straight size counterparts.
(Also a plus size model).
With each reality check, you either need to accept the reality or dig deeper into your distorted thinking, and that's what so many of the "get fit quick" schemes are counting on.
Because really you know. No matter how deep into the imaginary comfort zone you are, you know. You know when you are not who you want to be. You know when your favorite jeans don't fit. That thought, that belief that something is not quite right, fuels the endless cycle of diets and fad pills many of us know so well, a pitfall which is never healthy.
Sometimes it feels hopeless. You're not supposed to feel bad about being heavy, but you're also not supposed to want to be heavy. Size six is plus size, but the average American woman is a 12. You're not supposed to eat unhealthfully, but it seems every restaurant serves gargantuan portions loaded with fat. The cycle continues because as long as you avoid those reality checks, you can fool yourself into whatever seems most convincing at the time.
The answer, the only way to break the yo-yo cycle, is to find your reality. Embrace it. And by that, I don't mean pretend that you are happy when you're not. Start by ignoring all the hype – the ads, the pills, the books – anything that uses excessive exclamation points is suspect. Ignore anyone who tells you what you "should" feel, or do, or think. Dig into who you are, and try not to be afraid. Buy a full length mirror and use it. Think about people you know (people you actually know, not celebrities or models) whose physique you admire. Find out what size they really are. I was shocked to know a friend of mine who I always thought of a very slim was actually a size 10. Did knowing that make her heavier? No, and that's just it.
(Yep, "plus" sized as well).
Reality has to do with how you see yourself, and who you actually are. It has nothing to do with all those numbers we throw around. People who are fit and healthy know it, whether they are a size 0 or a size 16. So stop fooling yourself if you are not at the fitness level you want. You really can become the person you dream of being – inside and out.
Telling yourself you are happy and actually being happy are very different things. Don't beat yourself up over your size – you are who you are and there's nothing wrong with that. Sitting around feeling bad about they way things are is a waste of time. But using tricks to convince yourself you are happier, thinner, or healthier than you actually are is no good either. All that does is keep you stuck.
Remember my own reality check? I used that moment as inspiration. Inspiration to get started on a path to a new and better way of eating. Inspiration to become better – for myself, for my health, for that girl looking back at me in the mirror. Better may or may not mean thinner. I mean, I've tried everything imaginable with no progress. It's a long road to tread, but I already feel better, knowing the me I see is the real me, and that every day I am a little closer to being the person I always wanted. At the end of the day, heavy or not, I want to have in my head a real picture of who I am and where I'm going.
This is my reality, and it is good. What will you do today to embrace yours?
